After dinner and I feel suddenly paranoid about weighing in this Tuesday.  I haven't been overeating exactly,  but I haven't been as strict as I could have been since last week.  I was terribly upset over Kim's birthday, and maybe that had something to do with my difficulty in starving myself. 
     I am looking forward to talking to Dr. H from Beth Israel tomorrow about the protein diet he suggested I consider.  I think I will give it a try, even though I realize how hard it will be to go without food and ingest only the recommended proteins and water.  Kind of extreme, but I think the situation calls for these measures.  Of course, I will be followed closely by a physician and will follow their directives to the letter, so I won't be doing anything supid or unsafe.
     I desperately need a big jump start in losing a significant amount of weight, and it will feel good to make some forward progress after all of this effort.  It feels like I have had nothing else on my mind for the last two months, and I'm tired of obsessing.  Especially when it's not yielding the kind of results I want and need.  The whole struggle is the personnification of my overall struggle in life these days: trying my damdest and getting nowhere fast.  It's not only frustrating, but it's also demoralizing and humiliating.  It's very hard to live under the microscopes of everyone who's tracking my every move.  I rather resent it, actually, that I have no semblance of privacy or dignity in my life.  I'm going to try hard to take all of this off my mind for a while, and enjoy thinking about anything else but my goddamned weight.