It's a few days into my new regimen, and I'm doing well at sticking to the plan.  I must say it has left me feeling a little lightheaded and weak, but I expect that to pass in a few days.  I wish I had more time to lose before the Reunion, but all I can do is my best today and tomorrow, going forward and not back.  I got an amazing call from Vassar today...speaking of the Reunion.  They offered to pay for half of my weekend as a "scholarship", and I was blown away!  What a huge help that will be.  I'm really looking forward to it, despite the way I look.  Hopefully, people will be looking for the real me underneath, and not judge me too harshly for the external packaging. 

I'm now sending my daily Food Diary to Joe and Mark, and so far it's been helpful.  It keeps me focused and accountable, and it also helps to look at what I ate throughout the day.  I'm surprised that Joe would be interested in or willing to look at my Diary every day - he's got so much else going on.  I'm actually touched that he cares so much.  We had an excellent session last yesterday, and I felt we achieved a real meeting of the minds.  He understands me a lot better for the misunderstanding we had, and talking it through led to some very productive discussion.  I do know that he always has my best interest at heart, and does his utmost to help me.  Revealing that I was afraid of him was initially hard to do, to be vulnerable in that way, but it led to a talk about my divorce from David and the way I chose to handle the whole prenup situation.  If I could only go back and do things differently.

Got weighed yesterday and discovered that I'd gained 7 pounds.  Better than what I expected, but much too much, period.  I had two difficult sessions with Mark and Joe, and wonder if I need to dwell on this one subject for two solid hours twice a week.  I would much rather have one point person for all of my weight issues and might bring that up when I go tomorrow.  Joe suggested that I start to email a Food Diary daily to him and Mark, so I have started to do that.  It feels rather silly, but I am willing to be totally accountable for my diet on a daily basis.  It certainly keeps me focused.

I am getting used to what will be my regimen for a very long time.  I feel very hungry most of the time right now, but maybe that will subside with time.  It feels good to apply discipline to my eating habits and I hope I can remain as motivated as I am at this time.

I've been talking with Shirley at Save A Dog and I am very excited about my opportunities to help out there.  She;s identified something perfect for me that will be a big help to her, and that's writing the descriptions of all of the dogs they feature as available of their web site.  Yea!  That will be a piece of cake for me and apparently save her a chunk of time.  So glad I'm working with them!  I've also been writing letters to my Repersentative opposing the Bill going to the House that would place all Humane Shelters under the wrong administration, so I feel useful there, too.  And, I've been making phone calls to their client list to raise money for PAWS.   There's a lot to do there, and it feels great to do as much as I can in support of such a wonderful organization.

I'm a little worried about seeing Joe tomorrow.  We had a tough and contentious session on Tuesday and I'm feeling very negatively judged by him.  I tried hard to explain why he scares me, and why, as a result, it is sometimes hard to be completely candid with him, but I don't think I helped him understand me at all.  He is stuck on my not being honest with him about my diet over the last few weeks, when I was having so much trouble - and yes, I guess that's true.  But also important to understand is why I felt the need to paint a certain picture for him rather than discussing how much I was struggling.  The truth is that I don't think he is at all empathetic to my situation, and does not validate my battle with food.  It is a vast and deep-seated issue, and we never talk about it,  All we discuss is my failure to lose weight.  We are missing a huge portion of the problem - perhaps the most important of all - and instead I feel repeatedly labeled as a failure and a liar.  I acknowledge that he may not be meaning to send out that message and it is the function of my personal filters, but I feel that way nonetheless.  I don't know how to move past this conflict, and I don't enjoy disliking my time with Joe.  I hate feeling that he opposes me rather than supports me, and I have no idea how to turn that around.  I certainly want to.

Well, today is the day.  I HAVE TO start adhering to my diet plan.  I have gained nearly 20 lbs., rather than losing 20, and I have to get ahold of myself.  It's crunch time and I have to face the challenge head-on.  No more half-assed attempts to cut down.  This is a very serious situation and I need to handle it as such.  I dread going into face Marian, Joe, and Mark today, but I have to do it.  It is simply imperative.

I met with Lisa yesterday and told her about my diet plan.  She said she'd discuss it with the kitchen to facilitate my getting what I need from them.  Hopefully it won't be too big a pain in the butt for them and I can follow my guidelines without too much of a problem.  After all, what I need from them is very straightforward...plain chicken or fish, steamed vegs, and water.  That's it.

Sorry I haven't written in a while...the truth is, I temporarily lost my blog site!  What a dufus (or is it dufa?).  It has been a huge struggle for me to stay on my weight loss program, and it's frustrating the begeezus out of me.  The harder I try to stay focused, the more errant I become and the further I stray.  There seems to be some diabolical relationship between pressure and adherance, and I'm stumped.  The more pressure I apply to myself to lose weight, the more stubbornly I refuse to do so, and I just can't win.  I don't get it and perhaps it's time to discuss that with Joe.  Maybe he'll have some insight. 

     Hello, Tuesday.  Had a fairly good night's sleep, and just got back from breakfast: cream of wheat, toast, fruit, and coffee.  Thought about skipping it altogether,  but then I realized what a long day I have and decided to put something in my stomach.  Tuesdays are a bitch - I go from 11:30 to about 7, and that's a very long day at McLean, indeed.
     I usually get weighed on Tuesdays by Marian Klepser, but she's not in today.  So I want the benefit of an extra week to really buckle down with my diet and eat next to nothing in order to make weight.  It's very tiring to remain a slave to the scale, but infortunately that's going to me my lot forever.  I'd better get used to it.
     I've spent zero on groceries this week (in order to buy Chelsea a gift), and that has made food choices pretty simple.  I call it "The Poverty Diet", and it has served both Amy and me quite well, sadly enough.  It's made sticking to regimen of controlled meals only a lot easier; having no snacks in the house makes it a very simple equation.
     It's been very frustrating to wait for Dr. H to call me back about the protein diet mentioned my Kate Otto at BI.  I think I'll give her a call to make sure she knows that I'm very interested in checking it out.  All I really know at this point is that it's extreme, which I ake to mean a liquid diet.  I may be wrong, but that's the impression I get.  I think I should give it a try to get some real weight of, and not just a pound or two here and there.  Hopefully, it will also demonstrate to everyone at McLean that I'm very serious in my efforts to lose, and that my commitment to do so is beyond question.

     It's a cold and dreary Monday morning and I just got back from breakfast.  I was rudely awoken at dawn this morning by some Yahoo pounding something metal with a hammer.  Wanted to strangle whoever that was.  I HATE having my window facing the parking lot - I get to hear everyone as they come and go, invariably talking, laughing, and generally cavorting at high volume.  The sound really carries and I can hear it all.  I also hate facing where I do because it's almost directly above the smoking area, and I get cigarette smoke wafting into my room 24/7.  It's disgusting!!
     Woke up with another deadly stiff neck...I can hardly move it from side to side.  It's incredibly painful, and while I try to do stretching exercises, it just hurts too much and all I can hear is the pop-pop-popping of my neck and upper spine.  I need some serious OT and will ask Klepser the next time I see her.  Need to go lie down and try to chill...not the best of ams.
     I managed to eat a healthy breakfast - cream of wheat, fruit, and coffee.  Will try to behave today and stay on task...I've been too lax this week and doubt that I've lost any weight at all.   
 :-(
    

     After dinner and I feel suddenly paranoid about weighing in this Tuesday.  I haven't been overeating exactly,  but I haven't been as strict as I could have been since last week.  I was terribly upset over Kim's birthday, and maybe that had something to do with my difficulty in starving myself. 
     I am looking forward to talking to Dr. H from Beth Israel tomorrow about the protein diet he suggested I consider.  I think I will give it a try, even though I realize how hard it will be to go without food and ingest only the recommended proteins and water.  Kind of extreme, but I think the situation calls for these measures.  Of course, I will be followed closely by a physician and will follow their directives to the letter, so I won't be doing anything supid or unsafe.
     I desperately need a big jump start in losing a significant amount of weight, and it will feel good to make some forward progress after all of this effort.  It feels like I have had nothing else on my mind for the last two months, and I'm tired of obsessing.  Especially when it's not yielding the kind of results I want and need.  The whole struggle is the personnification of my overall struggle in life these days: trying my damdest and getting nowhere fast.  It's not only frustrating, but it's also demoralizing and humiliating.  It's very hard to live under the microscopes of everyone who's tracking my every move.  I rather resent it, actually, that I have no semblance of privacy or dignity in my life.  I'm going to try hard to take all of this off my mind for a while, and enjoy thinking about anything else but my goddamned weight.