It's a few days into my new regimen, and I'm doing well at sticking to the plan.  I must say it has left me feeling a little lightheaded and weak, but I expect that to pass in a few days.  I wish I had more time to lose before the Reunion, but all I can do is my best today and tomorrow, going forward and not back.  I got an amazing call from Vassar today...speaking of the Reunion.  They offered to pay for half of my weekend as a "scholarship", and I was blown away!  What a huge help that will be.  I'm really looking forward to it, despite the way I look.  Hopefully, people will be looking for the real me underneath, and not judge me too harshly for the external packaging. 

I'm now sending my daily Food Diary to Joe and Mark, and so far it's been helpful.  It keeps me focused and accountable, and it also helps to look at what I ate throughout the day.  I'm surprised that Joe would be interested in or willing to look at my Diary every day - he's got so much else going on.  I'm actually touched that he cares so much.  We had an excellent session last yesterday, and I felt we achieved a real meeting of the minds.  He understands me a lot better for the misunderstanding we had, and talking it through led to some very productive discussion.  I do know that he always has my best interest at heart, and does his utmost to help me.  Revealing that I was afraid of him was initially hard to do, to be vulnerable in that way, but it led to a talk about my divorce from David and the way I chose to handle the whole prenup situation.  If I could only go back and do things differently.

Got weighed yesterday and discovered that I'd gained 7 pounds.  Better than what I expected, but much too much, period.  I had two difficult sessions with Mark and Joe, and wonder if I need to dwell on this one subject for two solid hours twice a week.  I would much rather have one point person for all of my weight issues and might bring that up when I go tomorrow.  Joe suggested that I start to email a Food Diary daily to him and Mark, so I have started to do that.  It feels rather silly, but I am willing to be totally accountable for my diet on a daily basis.  It certainly keeps me focused.

I am getting used to what will be my regimen for a very long time.  I feel very hungry most of the time right now, but maybe that will subside with time.  It feels good to apply discipline to my eating habits and I hope I can remain as motivated as I am at this time.

I've been talking with Shirley at Save A Dog and I am very excited about my opportunities to help out there.  She;s identified something perfect for me that will be a big help to her, and that's writing the descriptions of all of the dogs they feature as available of their web site.  Yea!  That will be a piece of cake for me and apparently save her a chunk of time.  So glad I'm working with them!  I've also been writing letters to my Repersentative opposing the Bill going to the House that would place all Humane Shelters under the wrong administration, so I feel useful there, too.  And, I've been making phone calls to their client list to raise money for PAWS.   There's a lot to do there, and it feels great to do as much as I can in support of such a wonderful organization.

I'm a little worried about seeing Joe tomorrow.  We had a tough and contentious session on Tuesday and I'm feeling very negatively judged by him.  I tried hard to explain why he scares me, and why, as a result, it is sometimes hard to be completely candid with him, but I don't think I helped him understand me at all.  He is stuck on my not being honest with him about my diet over the last few weeks, when I was having so much trouble - and yes, I guess that's true.  But also important to understand is why I felt the need to paint a certain picture for him rather than discussing how much I was struggling.  The truth is that I don't think he is at all empathetic to my situation, and does not validate my battle with food.  It is a vast and deep-seated issue, and we never talk about it,  All we discuss is my failure to lose weight.  We are missing a huge portion of the problem - perhaps the most important of all - and instead I feel repeatedly labeled as a failure and a liar.  I acknowledge that he may not be meaning to send out that message and it is the function of my personal filters, but I feel that way nonetheless.  I don't know how to move past this conflict, and I don't enjoy disliking my time with Joe.  I hate feeling that he opposes me rather than supports me, and I have no idea how to turn that around.  I certainly want to.

Well, today is the day.  I HAVE TO start adhering to my diet plan.  I have gained nearly 20 lbs., rather than losing 20, and I have to get ahold of myself.  It's crunch time and I have to face the challenge head-on.  No more half-assed attempts to cut down.  This is a very serious situation and I need to handle it as such.  I dread going into face Marian, Joe, and Mark today, but I have to do it.  It is simply imperative.

I met with Lisa yesterday and told her about my diet plan.  She said she'd discuss it with the kitchen to facilitate my getting what I need from them.  Hopefully it won't be too big a pain in the butt for them and I can follow my guidelines without too much of a problem.  After all, what I need from them is very straightforward...plain chicken or fish, steamed vegs, and water.  That's it.

Sorry I haven't written in a while...the truth is, I temporarily lost my blog site!  What a dufus (or is it dufa?).  It has been a huge struggle for me to stay on my weight loss program, and it's frustrating the begeezus out of me.  The harder I try to stay focused, the more errant I become and the further I stray.  There seems to be some diabolical relationship between pressure and adherance, and I'm stumped.  The more pressure I apply to myself to lose weight, the more stubbornly I refuse to do so, and I just can't win.  I don't get it and perhaps it's time to discuss that with Joe.  Maybe he'll have some insight.