It's a few days into my new regimen, and I'm doing well at sticking to the plan.  I must say it has left me feeling a little lightheaded and weak, but I expect that to pass in a few days.  I wish I had more time to lose before the Reunion, but all I can do is my best today and tomorrow, going forward and not back.  I got an amazing call from Vassar today...speaking of the Reunion.  They offered to pay for half of my weekend as a "scholarship", and I was blown away!  What a huge help that will be.  I'm really looking forward to it, despite the way I look.  Hopefully, people will be looking for the real me underneath, and not judge me too harshly for the external packaging. 

I'm now sending my daily Food Diary to Joe and Mark, and so far it's been helpful.  It keeps me focused and accountable, and it also helps to look at what I ate throughout the day.  I'm surprised that Joe would be interested in or willing to look at my Diary every day - he's got so much else going on.  I'm actually touched that he cares so much.  We had an excellent session last yesterday, and I felt we achieved a real meeting of the minds.  He understands me a lot better for the misunderstanding we had, and talking it through led to some very productive discussion.  I do know that he always has my best interest at heart, and does his utmost to help me.  Revealing that I was afraid of him was initially hard to do, to be vulnerable in that way, but it led to a talk about my divorce from David and the way I chose to handle the whole prenup situation.  If I could only go back and do things differently.

Got weighed yesterday and discovered that I'd gained 7 pounds.  Better than what I expected, but much too much, period.  I had two difficult sessions with Mark and Joe, and wonder if I need to dwell on this one subject for two solid hours twice a week.  I would much rather have one point person for all of my weight issues and might bring that up when I go tomorrow.  Joe suggested that I start to email a Food Diary daily to him and Mark, so I have started to do that.  It feels rather silly, but I am willing to be totally accountable for my diet on a daily basis.  It certainly keeps me focused.

I am getting used to what will be my regimen for a very long time.  I feel very hungry most of the time right now, but maybe that will subside with time.  It feels good to apply discipline to my eating habits and I hope I can remain as motivated as I am at this time.

I've been talking with Shirley at Save A Dog and I am very excited about my opportunities to help out there.  She;s identified something perfect for me that will be a big help to her, and that's writing the descriptions of all of the dogs they feature as available of their web site.  Yea!  That will be a piece of cake for me and apparently save her a chunk of time.  So glad I'm working with them!  I've also been writing letters to my Repersentative opposing the Bill going to the House that would place all Humane Shelters under the wrong administration, so I feel useful there, too.  And, I've been making phone calls to their client list to raise money for PAWS.   There's a lot to do there, and it feels great to do as much as I can in support of such a wonderful organization.

I'm a little worried about seeing Joe tomorrow.  We had a tough and contentious session on Tuesday and I'm feeling very negatively judged by him.  I tried hard to explain why he scares me, and why, as a result, it is sometimes hard to be completely candid with him, but I don't think I helped him understand me at all.  He is stuck on my not being honest with him about my diet over the last few weeks, when I was having so much trouble - and yes, I guess that's true.  But also important to understand is why I felt the need to paint a certain picture for him rather than discussing how much I was struggling.  The truth is that I don't think he is at all empathetic to my situation, and does not validate my battle with food.  It is a vast and deep-seated issue, and we never talk about it,  All we discuss is my failure to lose weight.  We are missing a huge portion of the problem - perhaps the most important of all - and instead I feel repeatedly labeled as a failure and a liar.  I acknowledge that he may not be meaning to send out that message and it is the function of my personal filters, but I feel that way nonetheless.  I don't know how to move past this conflict, and I don't enjoy disliking my time with Joe.  I hate feeling that he opposes me rather than supports me, and I have no idea how to turn that around.  I certainly want to.

Well, today is the day.  I HAVE TO start adhering to my diet plan.  I have gained nearly 20 lbs., rather than losing 20, and I have to get ahold of myself.  It's crunch time and I have to face the challenge head-on.  No more half-assed attempts to cut down.  This is a very serious situation and I need to handle it as such.  I dread going into face Marian, Joe, and Mark today, but I have to do it.  It is simply imperative.

I met with Lisa yesterday and told her about my diet plan.  She said she'd discuss it with the kitchen to facilitate my getting what I need from them.  Hopefully it won't be too big a pain in the butt for them and I can follow my guidelines without too much of a problem.  After all, what I need from them is very straightforward...plain chicken or fish, steamed vegs, and water.  That's it.

Sorry I haven't written in a while...the truth is, I temporarily lost my blog site!  What a dufus (or is it dufa?).  It has been a huge struggle for me to stay on my weight loss program, and it's frustrating the begeezus out of me.  The harder I try to stay focused, the more errant I become and the further I stray.  There seems to be some diabolical relationship between pressure and adherance, and I'm stumped.  The more pressure I apply to myself to lose weight, the more stubbornly I refuse to do so, and I just can't win.  I don't get it and perhaps it's time to discuss that with Joe.  Maybe he'll have some insight. 

     Hello, Tuesday.  Had a fairly good night's sleep, and just got back from breakfast: cream of wheat, toast, fruit, and coffee.  Thought about skipping it altogether,  but then I realized what a long day I have and decided to put something in my stomach.  Tuesdays are a bitch - I go from 11:30 to about 7, and that's a very long day at McLean, indeed.
     I usually get weighed on Tuesdays by Marian Klepser, but she's not in today.  So I want the benefit of an extra week to really buckle down with my diet and eat next to nothing in order to make weight.  It's very tiring to remain a slave to the scale, but infortunately that's going to me my lot forever.  I'd better get used to it.
     I've spent zero on groceries this week (in order to buy Chelsea a gift), and that has made food choices pretty simple.  I call it "The Poverty Diet", and it has served both Amy and me quite well, sadly enough.  It's made sticking to regimen of controlled meals only a lot easier; having no snacks in the house makes it a very simple equation.
     It's been very frustrating to wait for Dr. H to call me back about the protein diet mentioned my Kate Otto at BI.  I think I'll give her a call to make sure she knows that I'm very interested in checking it out.  All I really know at this point is that it's extreme, which I ake to mean a liquid diet.  I may be wrong, but that's the impression I get.  I think I should give it a try to get some real weight of, and not just a pound or two here and there.  Hopefully, it will also demonstrate to everyone at McLean that I'm very serious in my efforts to lose, and that my commitment to do so is beyond question.

     It's a cold and dreary Monday morning and I just got back from breakfast.  I was rudely awoken at dawn this morning by some Yahoo pounding something metal with a hammer.  Wanted to strangle whoever that was.  I HATE having my window facing the parking lot - I get to hear everyone as they come and go, invariably talking, laughing, and generally cavorting at high volume.  The sound really carries and I can hear it all.  I also hate facing where I do because it's almost directly above the smoking area, and I get cigarette smoke wafting into my room 24/7.  It's disgusting!!
     Woke up with another deadly stiff neck...I can hardly move it from side to side.  It's incredibly painful, and while I try to do stretching exercises, it just hurts too much and all I can hear is the pop-pop-popping of my neck and upper spine.  I need some serious OT and will ask Klepser the next time I see her.  Need to go lie down and try to chill...not the best of ams.
     I managed to eat a healthy breakfast - cream of wheat, fruit, and coffee.  Will try to behave today and stay on task...I've been too lax this week and doubt that I've lost any weight at all.   
 :-(
    

     After dinner and I feel suddenly paranoid about weighing in this Tuesday.  I haven't been overeating exactly,  but I haven't been as strict as I could have been since last week.  I was terribly upset over Kim's birthday, and maybe that had something to do with my difficulty in starving myself. 
     I am looking forward to talking to Dr. H from Beth Israel tomorrow about the protein diet he suggested I consider.  I think I will give it a try, even though I realize how hard it will be to go without food and ingest only the recommended proteins and water.  Kind of extreme, but I think the situation calls for these measures.  Of course, I will be followed closely by a physician and will follow their directives to the letter, so I won't be doing anything supid or unsafe.
     I desperately need a big jump start in losing a significant amount of weight, and it will feel good to make some forward progress after all of this effort.  It feels like I have had nothing else on my mind for the last two months, and I'm tired of obsessing.  Especially when it's not yielding the kind of results I want and need.  The whole struggle is the personnification of my overall struggle in life these days: trying my damdest and getting nowhere fast.  It's not only frustrating, but it's also demoralizing and humiliating.  It's very hard to live under the microscopes of everyone who's tracking my every move.  I rather resent it, actually, that I have no semblance of privacy or dignity in my life.  I'm going to try hard to take all of this off my mind for a while, and enjoy thinking about anything else but my goddamned weight.

     Woke up today feeling seriously nauseous...perhaps beause I took a huge handful of meds all together on an empty stomach.  Just managed to take a shower, but still feel sick as hell.  Not going to be too difficult to skip lunch (and never had breakfast), even though I realize I need to have at least something for my system to work on.  And my neck and back are seriously hurting this morning...I wish I could figure out what's causing all of the trouble.  But my neck is stiff and it really hurts whenever I try to move it from side to side...I hear lots of popping noises that just can't be good!  Sorry to start my entry with so many complaints, but it seems unavoidable.
     As I mentioned above, dieting today should be a breeze feeling as I do.  Maybe I ought to try some fresh fruit or something else really light...yogurt?  soup?  I suppose I'll venture to the dining room and see what sounds good (and healthy).
     I was disappointed not to hear from Dr. H yesterday about the protein diet he recommended via Kate Otto last Thursday.  At this point, I am ready and willing to give it a try if it will help me accelerate the rate of my weight loss.  I just can't stand being the size I currently am, and I have to do something fairly radical to jump start my metabolism.  I know that it won't be an essy regimen to follow, but I know I have the resolve and determination to do anything I put my mind to in a serious way.  In a way, it will be a great dress rehearsal for my Bypass surgery, in that the intake diet seems very similar.
     Enough for now...I'm preoccupied trying not to hurl.

     It will be a bit of a struggle to get through today.  It's the birthday of my late sister, Kim, who took her life several years ago, and whom I miss deeply every day.  She and I were the closest of friends, and braving this world without her friendship and support is cruel and unusual punishment.  I am haunted by the thoughts of her last days, despite my efforts to focus on the good times and to conjure up happy memories.  I don't think that I will ever fully recover, although time has eased some of the acute pain of her loss.  I love you, Kimmy, wherever you are.
Today:  My emotions definitely have the better of me right now, and I feel the urge to consume and fill myself with something, food being the most likely and available candidate.  I had a yogurt for breakfast, some chicken and squash for lunch, and hopefully I'll be controlled at dinner.  Doing something like this with my hands helps a little bit, as does keeping myself distracted from the uncomfortable feelings that are rising within me today.
     I'm considering Kate Otto's suggestion of a more radical diet to lost a great deal of weight in a short time.  I think I'll call Dr. H to find out the doctor's name, and perhaps make an appointment to see her and find out more about it.  I'd welcome the chance to drop some serious poundage before the reunion!

     This blog will follow my progress as I seek to meet the huge challenge of  losing a great deal of weight.  My ultimate goal is to have gastric bypass surgery, but before I can do that I need to shed about 28 more pounds.  They have some strict requirements for the laproscopic procedure and the rules are pretty clear.
  This whole quest represents a complex set of demands for me that touch on many layers of experience, awareness, and personality.  To have a weight problem as egregious as mine is currently, there have to be some pretty significant underlying issues, and I am determined to plumb the depths of myself to seek them out and do my best to resolve them in a positive and productive way.   I am trying hard to examine my relationship with food, and to alter my behavior in the face of stress and anxiety so that I will no longer turn to food for comfort. 
     I am also tackling these issues in my therapy, and the process is rather like peeling an onion.  The longer is examine my behavior and motivations, the more I come to understand myself and why I act as I do.  Weight has been a difficult issue all my life; I was overweight from a young age and was teased mercilessly my members of my family, who humiliated me on a daily basis and only exacerbated the self-esteem problems I was already coping with.  I will attempt here to unravel the story and find the roots of this complex situation.
     Today:  I'm recovering from my weekly weigh-in yesterday, when I found I'd gained half a pound...very discouraging.  I have to face this next week with renewed resolve, and apply even greater emphasis to my stringent diet.  I also have to increase my use of the exercise machines downstairs, and get my butt moving more.  I am way too sedentary, which only contributes to weight-loss failure.
     I have committed to two social functions which would usually cause me great social anxiety; facing them as overweight as I am will only make the challenge harder.  But I can no longer let my life pass me by while I wait for some arbitrary goal.  I have responded Yes to a Vassar luncheon (hosted by my sister, Kathy), and I've committed to going to our 35th Class Reunion in June.  I know I will struggle through both of these events, but I feel it's important to push myself.  I need to reach out and become a part of the world again, rather than remaining isolated and disconnected from others.   Any weight I can lose before these functioins will be a plus - hopefully I will feel more comfortable moving around and fit into some nicer clothes. 

Welcome to my blog!  This is my first attempt at creating an ongoing chronicle of my weight loss odyssey, and I hope it will capture your interest.  I have been wresling with my weight my entire life, it seems, and I have had periods at just about every weight range, yo-yo'ing up and down over months or years.  I was at my lowest weight when I was 28, just before I got pregnant, and since then it has been a slow and steady climb up the scale.  Certain events in my life definitely exacerbated the problem, and since my life imploded four years ago, I have become by far the heaviest I've ever been.  It's frightening to life at this level, and I want desperately to change.  I have to.  I cannot live the rest of my life this unhappy.